A Teeny Tiny Change Purse-sized Dump (GULP)

Today Effy's blog "nudge" is something called a "purse dump"... it means literally dumping out everything that is your brain that is keeping you awake at night, just like the way you dump your purse out onto your bed.  And I was soooo enjoying her "purse dump post" and thinking "How Brave Is SHE" to be able to just SAY STUFF... until I got to the part where she wrote "So my nudge for you today is to Go Do A Purse Dump.".. SAY WHAT!!   My blood actually went Cold... can you spell "Terror"!

 

So then of course I had to determine Why my blood went cold and figure out why revealing what is actually going on in my head scares me this much.  Because, you see, five years ago I said OUT LOUD to everyone (not just to myself in my head) "I am Changing - no more Fake Lynne! From now on I am going to live my life being True to myself and say what I really think and how I really feel (always from a place of love) instead of hiding it all away in my heart and soul (which actually made me sick inside and out) and I am through being a Bobble Headed Doll, you know, Smile and Nod, Smile and Nod until your head Falls Off!!

 

And I thought that was what I was doing, but these feelings of terror I am having over sharing exactly what I am feeling are probably coming from a place of feelings I am hiding from myself. So I guess I have not been doing "authentic" very well these days....

CRAP Effy... How do you do it? 

 

I do believe THIS may be your Super Power - asking that one question that causes us to look into our selves and discover another bit of dirt hidden in the corner that needs to be cleaned out!!

 

... Soooo More soul work for me this week!  As for the purse dump... I thought I would be brave and try a little teeny, tiny change-purse sized dump... Here goes:

 

Lately I feel afraid... REALLY afraid... enough so that it has been affecting my sleep... But seriously WHAT do I have to be so afraid of with life being so sweet these days?  Let's dump it out and have look shall we...

I feel SCARED... Scared of WHAT??

Of seeing what this looks like... 

Of letting people down...

Of other people's opinions (Huh?)...

Of offending someone (Double HUH?)

Of FAILING...

Of Looking Stupid...

Of NOT BEING LIKED in my new community (Say WHAAAT?)

 

Holy CRAP... That is So Not Like Me... I  have always lived my life exactly how I want to and developed a nice, thick skin to deflect Other People's Opinions (imagine this said in a deep, vibrato, echoing off the walls).

But I recently moved to the vibrant retirement community of Creston, British Columbia into what I am calling our Forever Home, because I am hoping this is our last stop for this next stage in my life.  And because this community is fairly small (5000 peeps instead of the two million or so I am used to living with) and I am hoping to be here for a very long time, I have been going slow (also NOT like me) and trying to make friends and not offend anyone - which I am Really good at since I have no filter and I am the ONLY ONE who gets my sense of humor ... Grin.  

And as usual it has not taken long for me to get  noticed, all in a good way (I have been mentioned in the local newspaper only once so far...Grin).  But as my BIG personality is starting to get out there and I am becoming "known" I feel like I am waiting for the inevitable explosion of emotion that I seem to evoke-everywhere I go - No Matter WHAT!  And this time I Don't Want To Be The Catalyst. OH CRAPPY CRAPPY POOPIE POOP! Once again... more Bloody Soul Work...  Sigh.

So today I am asking .... what is the balance between being accepted and liked socially and still being honest and AUTHENTIC to yourself?  Easier if you fit the mold, but I totally Do Not Fit The Mold, never have.  So how do I "Feel the fear and do it anyway" in THIS situation?   Do I risk notoriety and possibly rejection? YES I DO! If I want to be true to who I am I will just have to Put On My Big Girl Panties and get brave.

And look at the quote I stumbled across as I made this decision:

"It is better to be hated for What You Are than to be loved for what you are not."

Andre Gide

So I guess this PURSE DUMP thing actually does work - Thank you AGAIN Ms. Effy, I do believe I just might have discovered the block I am having to the question What Do I REALLY Want!

I am Blogging Along with Effy Wild this month, come join us...

Lynne Mizera