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Friday, September 8, 2017

A Teeny Tiny Change Purse-sized Dump (GULP)

Today Effy's blog "nudge" is something called a "purse dump"... it means literally dumping out everything that is your brain that is keeping you awake at night, just like the way you dump your purse out onto your bed.  And I was soooo enjoying her "purse dump post" and thinking "How Brave Is SHE" to be able to just SAY STUFF... until I got to the part where she wrote "So my nudge for you today is to Go Do A Purse Dump.".. SAY WHAT!!   My blood actually went Cold... can you spell "Terror"!
So then of course I had to determine Why my blood went cold and figure out why revealing what is actually going on in my head scares me this much.  Because, you see, five years ago I said OUT LOUD to everyone (not just to myself in my head) "I am Changing - no more Fake Lynne! From now on I am going to live my life being True to myself and say what I really think and how I really feel (always from a place of love) instead of hiding it all away in my heart and soul (which actually made me sick inside and out) and I am through being a Bobble Headed Doll, you know, Smile and Nod, Smile and Nod until your head Falls Off!!
And I thought that was what I was doing, but these feelings of terror I am having over sharing exactly what I am feeling are probably coming from a place of feelings I am hiding from myself. So I guess I have not been doing "authentic" very well these days....

CRAP Effy... How do you do it? 
I do believe THIS may be your Super Power - asking that one question that causes us to look into our selves and discover another bit of dirt hidden in the corner that needs to be cleaned out!!
... Soooo More soul work for me this week!  As for the purse dump... I thought I would be brave and try a little teeny, tiny change-purse sized dump... Here goes:
Lately I feel afraid... REALLY afraid... enough so that it has been affecting my sleep... But seriously WHAT do I have to be so afraid of with life being so sweet these days?  Let's dump it out and have look shall we...

I feel SCARED... Scared of WHAT??

Of seeing what this looks like... 
Of letting people down...
Of other people's opinions (Huh?)...
Of offending someone (Double HUH?)
Of Looking Stupid...
Of NOT BEING LIKED in my new community (Say WHAAAT?)

Holy CRAP... That is So Not Like Me... I  have always lived my life exactly how I want to and developed a nice, thick skin to deflect Other People's Opinions (imagine this said in a deep, vibrato, echoing off the walls).

But I recently moved to the vibrant retirement community of Creston, British Columbia into what I am calling our Forever Home, because I am hoping this is our last stop for this next stage in my life.  And because this community is fairly small (5000 peeps instead of the two million or so I am used to living with) and I am hoping to be here for a very long time, I have been going slow (also NOT like me) and trying to make friends and not offend anyone - which I am Really good at since I have no filter and I am the ONLY ONE who gets my sense of humor ... Grin.  
And as usual it has not taken long for me to get  noticed, all in a good way (I have been mentioned in the local newspaper only once so far...Grin).  But as my BIG personality is starting to get out there and I am becoming "known" I feel like I am waiting for the inevitable explosion of emotion that I seem to evoke-everywhere I go - No Matter WHAT!  And this time I Don't Want To Be The Catalyst. OH CRAPPY CRAPPY POOPIE POOP! Once again... more Bloody Soul Work...  Sigh.

So today I am asking .... what is the balance between being accepted and liked socially and still being honest and AUTHENTIC to yourself?  Easier if you fit the mold, but I totally Do Not Fit The Mold, never have.  So how do I "Feel the fear and do it anyway" in THIS situation?   Do I risk notoriety and possibly rejection? YES I DO! If I want to be true to who I am I will just have to Put On My Big Girl Panties and get brave.

And look at the quote I stumbled across as I made this decision:
"It is better to be hated for What You Are than to be loved for what you are not."
Andre Gide
So I guess this PURSE DUMP thing actually does work - Thank you AGAIN Ms. Effy, I do believe I just might have discovered the block I am having to the question What Do I REALLY Want!

I am Blogging Along with Effy Wild this month, come join us...
Lynne Mizera


  1. I'm the bobble header, always have been because I don't ever want to rock the boat.
    I am trying to change that, but I am afraid of offending people by being authentic.
    How silly, but that's how I am.
    Enjoyed reading your purse dump.

    1. Oh how I can relate Ellie!! I WAS a bobble-header but RESENTED it so much (resentment is unexpressed
      Anger) that it Made Me Sick! And I am finding that there are people out there who actually like the REAL me - even with NO filter! There is a quote by Dr. Seuss that goes: "Be who you are and Say what you feel, because those that mind DON'T MATTER and those that MATTER DON'T MIND!" and guess what... IT's TRUE!

  2. Oh my...this post is everything. <3 I love your bobble head analogy so much. I also want to tell you that I'm a dynamic personality, too. I get noticed even if I don't want to (and I rarely want to). I feel your pain, woman. <3

    1. Thanks so much Lovely Lady... Since I "met" you in 2014 I keep finding many, many things we have/do/are in common (smile). You are My MUSE (no pressure there!!!) Grin

  3. Oh Lynne I positively LOVED this post! And I will look so forward to reading your posts this month. Thank you so much for sharing, it was just delightful, and your blog looks so great! I hope you enjoy your new home and don't end up in the paper TOO often! Ha! Take care honey and keep on keeping on. You are a JOY to read! :)

    1. Maitri, you Sweetie... thanks for the lovely words and I will try not to stress out about keeping up with all these expectations... GRIN

  4. Yay!!!!! Go Lynne!!!! Go Lynne!!!! Go Lynne!!! I wave my pom poms and salute you !!!

  5. I feel your pain sweetheart. I'm entering my batty old woman phase...highly irritating to daughters and prone to moments of public embarrassment. (To others, not to me!!!)

    1. Oh how this made me laugh!! and made me wish my daughter lived here so I could pay her back for all t he embarasing moments I lived through during her Adolescents!

  6. Replies
    1. OH GOOD! Because there is certainly enough going on in the world right now to make us SAD...

  7. Yessss!!! Perfect analogy, perfect everything. I totally get these feels and fears. TOTALLY. ❤️❤️❤️ You do you, boo. 😂

    1. Thanks Sarah... I don't know why it is always such a surprise to me when I discover others who are feeling JUST LIKE ME! YEAH US!! Lets DO US TOGETHER!

  8. OoooH I so LOVE this post! I also moved into a new community and am taking my time making friends. I have never been normal either so boy can I relate!! Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. Yes we all feel this way in one degree or another.

  9. YaY !! Go Girl :-) Loved all your pictures on this posting. I hope you find happiness in your new 'community'. xxx


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